Let's talk about sex, baby...

I was chatting with a friend the other day; she was anxious about talking to her 4th grader about sex. Talking to kids about sex can be nerve-wracking; perhaps because we are not sure what or how much to say or maybe because for many of us the topic is taboo. We pray our kids won't ask a difficult or embarrassing question requiring us to say the word "vagina" or actually have to describe the process. After a few years of teaching 5th graders and three children of my own, I have several suggestions which might help parents initiate conversations when appropriate and respond with confidence to kids’ questions.

1. Start now. It is never too early to start having conversations about sex with your kids. If we talk to them now about difficult topics (sex, drugs, & race) while they are still interested in what we have to say and value our opinions, when they are older and think we are hopelessly uncool, we have already done some important work.

2. Talk about consent. It is essential children understand they have the right to give or withhold consent and the responsibility to get consent before entering another person's personal space. This leads the way to healthy boundaries for them as they move into adulthood. If an adult wants to hug my child and she does not want to be hugged, I honor her right to be in charge of her body. We honor the social responsibility of greetings and goodbyes; we simply allow each child to determine how. “Would you like to shake hands or wave goodbye to Gramma”. This may be uncomfortable at first, but with some support Grandparents, Great Aunts and nice ladies at church will understand.

This is not just for girls, boys and girls benefit from knowing they have rights and responsibilities in relationships. If we are playing together and my friend doesn't want to play the game anymore then we find another game. If we are bouncing into each other on the trampoline and I don't like the game anymore, I can tell you I am finished. Hitting is not allowed because it doesn't honor another's right to be in charge of their own body. My body belongs to me and yours belongs to you, being in relationships means that we listen to one another and honor each other’s needs and preferences.

Using the word “consent” to discuss how we treat each other in relationships with young children sets us up for more specific conversations about consent in the context of romantic, physical or sexual relations. This video is great for older kids.

3. Don’t be silly. Use the anatomical language when talking about bodies. Practice saying these words in the mirror and try not to laugh. If you do it’s okay, your kid may laugh too. Admit it is difficult or uncomfortable and talk to your child anyway.

4. Share your values. Most parents would prefer their children wait to have sex until (fill in the blank). As a Christian, I would prefer my children wait until they are married. I know this is old fashioned, but there you go. Regardless, I have shared with my older children that sex is shared between two people who love each other. We talk about right time, right place, right person. The right time is when you can be assured that both you and the other person are ready to share an intimate experience that is unique and creates a deep connection, most parents would say a committed relationship. The right place is a safe and private location. The right person is someone who can be trusted to love and care for you.

5. Share age appropriate information. Follow your child’s lead here, most kids are curious about all sorts of topics which might lend themselves to conversations about sex. When my son was in kindergarten he asked me if he was more like me or my husband. I told him that he was equal parts from each of us. Daddy and mommy each contributed to create his unique qualities. A part of daddy (with his qualities) joined with a part of mommy (with her unique qualities) and he was created inside mommy’s body. Later we talked about special parts of our bodies that make our genes. As our kids get older, we have more elaborate and specific conversations. I find the best place for these conversations is the car.

6. Two other facts. Sex is fun. Kids need to know that at the right time in the right place with the right person sex is fun and it is something that adults enjoy. Sex bonds people together and it’s how children get made. Our older son gets squeamish about this but, I don’t mind embarrassing him and it makes me laugh so see him cringe. Sex has consequences. Aside from the emotional risks of getting involved in a sexual relationship, sex can have other consequences most commonly: sexually transmitted diseases and unintended pregnancies. We tackle these by making sure it’s the right time, right place, right person. We also talk about protection when it’s appropriate. If your child says, “Mo-om” so that it makes two syllables, go ahead and say “You know you should never have sex without a condom.”