Trying not to "white-wash" my world
- Beth Feger, PhD.
- Sep 21, 2018
- 5 min read
Updated: May 31, 2020
“The good we secure for ourselves is precarious and uncertain, is floating in mid-air, until it is secured for all of us and incorporated into our common life.”
“I once heard ...that the essence of immorality is the tendency to make an exception of one’s self and I would like to add that to consider one’s self in any wise unlike the rank and file of human life is to walk straight toward the pit of self-righteousness.”
Jane Addams
I’ve read a few interesting interviews with Margaret Hagerman about her new book, White kids: Growing up with privilege in a racially divided America (I am currently reading this book and will post a full review soon). In one interview Hagerman, a sociologist at Mississippi State University, was asked, "What surprised you?"
Her response:
The racial apathy. Feeling like you have to care about your own kid in order to be a good parent, and not understanding that being a good parent also means caring about other people, too.
As good parents she challenges to care about all the children. To paraphrase Jane Addams: I must work to secure for all the kids what my kids already have. Realizing the work we do for “those” kids benefits our kids too.
Jane Addams reminds us that unless we want to be found in the "pit of self-righteousness" we must consider ourselves to be part of "the rank and file of human life." Paul in Phillipians puts it like this "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." The interview ends with an encouragement to begin by talking to our kids about race and racism. So how do have these very difficult conversations?
Talking about race and racism is uncomfortable; it requires us to acknowledge, life is easier because we are affluent or educated or white or heterosexual or male. Talking about race and privilege with kids is even more uncomfortable because once we’ve acknowledged that our life is easier because of this privilege. We have to answer the most common kid question, “Why?” Explaining this privilege seems too complicated and it's easy to be tempted to wait a while longer and avoid the topic until the kids are old enough to understand that privilege is something we get just because of the way we are born: white, affluent, citizens, etc.. We can’t change that; it isn’t fair. Kids like life to be fair.
Privilege cannot exist without oppression. Our privilege only exists as long as someone else is oppressed – even if we are not actively oppressing someone else. How do I explain that to my kids? It’s not their fault, but it is their reality. My kids go to better schools, are more likely to succeed and even healthier than their less affluent peers and peers of color. While this is true, we don't want children to feel ashamed or bad about their identity. So, what can we do?
Exploring research on young children's understandings race and racism illuminates some interesting findings. It turns out, most white parent who feel uncomfortable talking about race. Most avoid the topic all together or try to instill a general sense that everyone is equal or that God loves everyone and no one is different under the skin. The goal is for children to grow up “color-blind”.
Unfortunately, this way of dealing with race doesn’t work. Why? Kids notice everything, especially what is different. “Daddy, that man is fat.” Mommy, why is her skin so dark?” Mommy, they don’t have a car.” Daddy, why don’t we eat that food?” “Why is her hair so curly?”. Questions like these indicate that kids aren’t colorblind; they are aware of differences and are curious about them. Different is only a problem if it is ignored.
Children as young as six months old notice the difference between faces that are the same race as their parents and faces that are of a different race. If we as safe adults don’t acknowledge these differences and instead avoid or silence their questions and noticings, children develop “in-group preferences” – that is, they perceive people like them to be better people. In one study, white children were asked questions such as “how many white people are mean?” Most answered “almost none.” When asked the same question about people of color, they answered “Some” or “A lot”.
If we start having these conversations right now, even in the midst of discomfort and a desire to preserve our children’s innocence - we might begin to change how our children think, feel and act toward those who are different.
How do we have these conversations? First, accept that it is privilege itself that allows white parents to ignore the topic; parents of color cannot ignore racism or preserve their children’s innocence. They must prepare them for the world. I am not forced to worry about my sons wearing hoodies or hanging around convenience stores. After acknowledging this privilege, we engage in these important conversations. It is simple, but it is not easy. When your child points out someone who looks different, recognize and accept the observation and remind the child it’s those differences that make us special and in spite of those differences we can share many things in common.
When my son points out another child’s dark skin, I can say – “You are right. His skin is different than yours and he likes to play soccer like you.” Next time I am at the library, I can pick out a few books with characters that are different than my daughter and point out those differences, “Look at her beautiful brown skin; she likes to dance too.” “Their family is different and they love each other just like us.” When my child points out loudly in the grocery story, “That lady has weird hair.” I can say, “People have lots of different kinds of hair. Her hair is different from yours and, it is beautiful.” We must be explicit and keep having the conversations. We will get it wrong sometimes, that is part of being human, we must not be discouraged.
We must not let our mistakes prevent us from doing this important work. When we hear about racism and injustice in our community and world, we must work to end it. Will this mean spending our time, talents and resources for kids who aren’t “ours”? I believe the answer is - Yes, it most certainly does.
Finally, as white people we must listen. We cannot explain, defend or rationalize. I recently came across this article about transracial adoption and I found myself nodding my head in agreement. I have adopted children and have felt some of the same feelings. But then I read this response and I realized that my perspective was narrowed by my own white Christian perspective. I didn’t agree with every part of either article but both perspectives had something to offer. I believe that if we continue to ask questions and listen to what others have to say, especially those who make us uncomfortable, we can learn and help our children learn too.
Perhaps when someone points out where we got it wrong we might say, “Thanks for straightening me out” or “I appreciate hearing your perspective. I hadn’t thought about it that way.” As adults we can model humility, mistake making and growth.
It is this important work that can begin to create a world where our children see and embrace differences as a beautiful part of God’s creation, celebrate His love that extends to all of us and then work to make the world reflect this. Where we truly secure the good our children enjoy for all the children.
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